So I have been working on my body image. one of the goals I set for this was to gain some weight, as I have always struggled with anxiety induced anorexia. When I started this, I was at about 119 pounds. I am five 5'7" and a half inches tall. So that was pretty substantially underweight.
Unfortunately, as I have steadily gained the weight to hit my goal of 130 (A healthy weight for someone my size), I have been dissolving into self hatred. Instead of feeling good, I feel fat. I feel ugly. I feel like I should be ashamed of myself. None of my pants fit anymore, or bras, or leggings. And I just want to crawl into bed and lay their and sob for about seven hours.
This is ridiculous because I am exercising, I am active, I eat healthy. The only thing I changed was the amount I was eating. I went from one meal a day, to three.
This is all so confusing to me. I am 126 pounds now, and I have more energy than I probably ever have had in my life. I don’t struggle with constant fatigue anymore, I want to be out working, but every time I look in the mirror I want to cry. It’s horrible. This has been one of the most conflicting experiences in my life. Doing something good for myself, helping myself be healthier, and slowly getting rid of a borderline eating disorder, but feeling so horrible and miserable and ugly I want to wear a blanket and paper bag hat to class so people don’t look at me.
Today was probably the worst. I woke up. Tried to put my skinnies on to go to class, couldn’t get them past my thighs, took them off, crawled right back into bed, and stayed there until about thirty minutes ago, when I realized how stupid I was being and forced myself to get up and shower.
All my life I have had low self esteem. For a variety of reasons. I’ve never felt beautiful, or talented, or smart. I have been struggling to change this inward image of myself, but I think the thing I am lacking is encouragement and support. I don’t share many of my problems. I am extremely secretive because I am shy and nervous of what other people will think. I am afraid people won’t take me seriously, or that they will think I’m being ridiculous.
I need to stop being afraid of that and start being a little more open. Not everyone is going to support me, but no one will if I don’t reach out.
So this is a PSA. Long term body image struggle suck ass.
Eating disorders suck even more.
If you know someone who is struggling, or who is wrapped in depression for these issues, reach out and give a little TLC and encouragement, even if it is just in the form of a movie buddy or some gentle advice. Support is extremely important in overcoming these problems. Knowing you have people who love you and back you up no matter what is crucial.
And trust me, sometimes you forget exactly how many people are out there backing you up. It’s easy to feel alone when you isolate yourself out of fear.